Friends are important. They’re the people outside of our families with whom we share mutually beneficial, rewarding, trusting bonds. Our friendships provide us with the support, love, and nurturing we need to navigate life. They keep us grounded, real, and in touch with our life goals and motivations.
However, these special relationships can become strained over time without definitive friendship boundaries. When boundaries lack or wane, it can cause a disruption in the necessary balance of your relationships.
Setting healthy boundaries in friendships can help protect your identity and personal space. It can also help prevent others from taking advantage of you by limiting what you want to do. Setting boundaries can enhance both your mental and emotional well-being, and consequently strengthen your friendships.
So, what are boundaries? Boundaries are guidelines for acceptable behaviors, expectations, and personal limits. Boundaries make it clear to the friends in your life what you want and will accept.
Sometimes we have friends we really like, but they make assumptions about the relationship and that can make us uncomfortable. For example, a friend might drop by unannounced or overstay their welcome. Rather than becoming resentful or letting an otherwise wonderful friend go, the most respectful thing we can do is address our differences. No rights, no wrongs.
When are Boundaries Needed?
The lines (limits) you draw up help both you and your friends. Friends may criticize what you’re wearing or make you feel bad about your goal of running a marathon. Without realizing it, they could be crossing a line.
What kind of scenarios might prompt a talk about boundaries? Here are examples:
- A childhood friend is often rude to you in front of others, but you don’t want to make a fuss.
- Your work friend vents obsessively and needs emotional support day and night after their recent romantic breakup. You feel guilty if you don’t make yourself available to them.
- Your best friend disrespects your values or beliefs. You’ve never spoken up about this before.
- When you’re feeling overwhelmed
- When your friend is ‘in your business’.
Setting Healthy Boundaries
Setting boundaries with friends will take some practice, just like all new things. But with a few conversation tools, some courage, and compassion for yourself as you grow, you can start practicing now and watch how healthy friendships flourish.
Good boundaries are clear, concise, and consistent. If you believe this will be an awkward conversation, don’t forget to listen actively, ask questions, be genuine and even use humor to lighten the discussion.
Here are tips on how to have this important conversation that will ultimately honor both you and your friend. Remember to use “I” statements and avoid accusations or insults.
- Begin by saying how you value the friendship. “I really appreciate our friendship.”
- Communicate your boundaries simply and clearly. “This conversation is really making me uncomfortable”.
- Express your needs, wants and limits. “I would like time to think about this.”
- Don’t apologize or make excuses.
- Be firm, but also kind. “I really would appreciate it if you stopped insisting”.
- Remind your friend that you care about them. “While I value you as a friend, my answer remains no”.
For example, if a friend is overstaying their welcome at your home, a boundary conversation can look like this: “I appreciate you visiting. I however wanted this evening to myself”.
If a friend is insisting on something that contradicts your values, you could say, “This does not agree with me, and I need you to respect that”.
If your friend is in your business, you can try something like: “This is a personal matter, and I want to handle it privately”.
If you also don’t like to shake hands, or be hugged, you can protect your personal space by saying, “I really don’t like shaking hands or hugging. I am fine though, How are you?”
Why Create Boundaries?
It’s often easier to dismiss boundary-crossing behavior than deal with it. But avoidance coping is maladaptive. Instead of facing the problem head-on, this form of coping can create stress and anxiety. Other common byproducts of having no boundaries (or failing to communicate them) include resentment and distress.
While it’s tempting to look away, you need to speak up. Allowing others to overrun your boundaries has unhealthy consequences for you. Being unwilling to share your feelings or say no also prevents the other person from knowing what you feel and expect.
Setting up a discussion about your boundaries can contribute to open communication and mutual understanding between you and your friend. Although the thought of having a talk like this might create feelings of tension or dread, a scientific study identified lower levels of stress between friends who conversed about challenges as compared to those who did not.
Remember, boundaries are meant to protect you and enhance your relationships. Whereas it may be uncomfortable to have boundary conversations with your friends, it is an important practice to cultivate.
Be kind to yourself, and don’t worry too much when you don’t communicate your boundaries as you expected. It takes practice.
Sometimes also, the boundary might be met with a push back, which can create anxiety.
In our subsequent segment, we will learn how to maintain and enforce boundaries.
In the meantime, try creating healthy boundaries and let’s see how that goes.
Your feedback and questions are welcome. I’m happy to make clarifications as necessary.
this is your #Wellnesswatch
with Nyaguthii Kariuki
Consultant Clinical Psychologist.
