Grieving Losses: Supporting a Loved one Through Grief
Grief can feel incredibly lonely and overwhelming. When someone you know loses a loved one, they need your love and support more than ever. Sometimes it’s hard to know how to offer support to a grieving relative, friend, or colleague. We may be afraid of saying the wrong thing; so, we say nothing at all, which may leave the bereaved person feeling more isolated and alone.
If you haven’t experienced the death of a loved one, you may have unrealistic expectations of how the grieving person should feel, or how quickly they should return to the activities of daily living or get on with their life.
There are many things you can do or say to help but remember that everyone’s experience of grief is different. Some of your thoughts and suggestions may be appropriate and others may not be. If you’re unsure on how to support someone who is grieving, ask them to tell you what they need or want.
Just letting them know that you care and wish to help can provide great comfort.
It can be challenging to know what to say to someone grieving. The fear of saying the wrong thing could make you avoid trying to help, but there is no one particular way to help someone through grief. By being open, compassionate, and willing to help, your presence will offer support.
Here are some practical tips you might find helpful:
- Check in on them
Make an effort to check in with your friend/loved one, even if it is a quick phone call, a card or an invitation to grab a coffee together. You might be surprised how much your check-ins mean to a friend who is grieving. You can say something like, “I’m here if you need me”. Also find out how they are holding up by asking questions like how they are sleeping and if they are getting enough to eat. Venture into how they are feeling emotionally and listen with compassion and care.
- Understand the grieving process
As your friend/loved one navigates the many difficult emotions that grief can bring, it is important to have a general understanding of grief. People who are grieving experience sadness, depression, anger and anxiety commonly. Additional symptoms can include physical challenges such as digestive issues, sleep disturbance and fatigue, among others. As you take time to learn about the grief process, how you can support your friend in meaningful ways will become more apparent.
- Listen more, talk less
When you are in the presence of someone who is grieving, it is often difficult to know what to say. Your natural tendency may be to try to make your friend feel better, but in a situation such as grief, no amount of talking will help. Your friend/loved one will benefit more from talking about their feelings than anything else. Listen to their thoughts and feelings and express compassion for what they are experiencing in their grief process.
- Let them cry
One of the most important aspects of the grieving process is the ability to express deep sadness and allow oneself to cry. Letting your friend cry shows them that you understand that crying is an important part of the grief process.
It may be tempting to try to cheer your friend up or tell them not to cry, but remember, it is an important part of grief and healing. Often when people are discouraged from crying it is a reflection of the discomfort others have about witnessing that amount of pain. Think about the tears as a necessary part of the healing journey.
- Offer practical help
Grief can cause you to neglect your own basic needs at times. Offering practical help can be a lifesaver when your friend is struggling to navigate the tasks of life while grieving. It may surprise you just how beneficial these practical tasks can be:
- Running errands
- Cleaning their house
- Cooking for them
- Offering to help with childcare
- Offering to help manage or coordinate bills
- Helping with laundry
- Be willing to sit in silence
Grief ushers in a variety of strong emotions, and sometimes a grieving person needs to sit in silence to regain a semblance of peace. It can be difficult to sit in silence, particularly when you know your friend is struggling with emotional pain. Resist the urge to fill the silence and make an effort to allow it space. Your presence is enough. By being there for your friend, you are showing your love and support, even if you sit quietly together and don’t say a word. Your silent presence may be more therapeutic than you realize.
- Remember important dates
Anniversaries of grief experiences can be painful reminders of your friend’s loss each year. Try to keep in mind that the date of your friend’s loss, as well as holidays and birthdays, can be triggers for grief symptoms. Reach out to let your friend know that you are thinking of them.
After a loss, people often have good intentions about staying in touch but become busy with life and don’t follow through. Contacting your grieving friend on anniversaries and holidays can help reduce that feeling of loneliness and let them know that their well-being matters to you.
The Don’ts
It is easy to stumble into non-helpful behaviors even when you have the best of intentions. Here are some thoughts on what not to do when someone is grieving and ways to handle situations that may feel difficult to navigate.
- Don’t try to fix them
Grief is not a problem to be fixed. Your grieving friend only needs your loving support and presence. Attempting to do or say something to fix the situation will only leave you and your friend feeling more powerless. Remember that grief can’t be remedied by anything but time, support and compassion. If your friend feels you are trying to fix them or their feelings, they may start to view themselves as a problem, which may reduce their comfort in confiding in you and expressing their feelings openly.
- Don’t diminish their grief
Acknowledging grief is one of the most basic and powerful ways you can show your support. People may unintentionally diminish a loved one’s grief by saying, “You’ll get over it soon,” and “You’ll be fine.” The best way to honor someone’s true feelings and grief experiences is to ask how they feel and simply listen. Trying to decrease someone’s pain by minimizing it only makes them feel disconnected. In addition, don’t draw comparisons to your experience. Doing so is unnecessary and can often lead to frustration and anger for the person experiencing grief.
While it may be true that you have also experienced loss, use discretion when interjecting your experience.
- Don’t push your faith on them
When a friend or loved one is grieving, it can feel compelling to share your religious or spiritual beliefs with them as a means of helping them feel better. Even though you want your friend to feel peace and comfort, resist the urge to talk about your faith with them. Avoid saying things like, “It is the will of God”, “They are in a better place now”. These words usually offer no comfort at all.
These are just a few tips on how to be there for a loved one who is grieving. They are not exhaustive.
If you have been or are currently grieving, I send out candles to you. The grief process is generally long, and while you might not notice the pain dissipate, you will grow around it. Eventually, the memories of your deceased loved one(s) will not be as painful.
Let me know some of the practical ways you’ve wished that people could be there for you.
this is your #Wellnesswatch
with Nyaguthii Kariuki
Consultant Psychologist.
