Friendships: Emotional Dumping or Healthy Venting?

Friendships: Emotional Dumping or Healthy Venting?

The root of friendships is in the ability to be there for each other, listen and share parts of ourselves.

Listening is the ability to pay attention to, and effectively interpret what someone is saying. It therefore involves feedback. What then, is the content of our feedback?

In the context of social interaction, when someone shares a ‘story’ with you, how do you respond? Do you share your own? Do you jump in with advice? Do you get bored? or do you hold emotional space for them?

Emotional dumping

In relationships, including friendships, we often go to our friends to vent pent-up emotions. However, we should always take into consideration the time, space and the mental ability of the other person to deal with it. In the case of emotional dumping, one person keeps sharing their frustrations with the other person without considering their boundaries and limitations. Because it lacks awareness of how the other person is impacted, emotional dumping can lead to a false sense of intimacy; this is heightened if there is defensiveness from the speaker (e.g., oversharing or going on and on about how something isn’t their fault),”

In emotional dumping, a friend will lay the weight of their emotions on the other person, without finding out how (the other person) feels, whether they are ok to receive this information, and without clear direction from the speaker on the resolve they seek. It’s always important to find out from your friend (partner) whether you can share weighty emotions. For example: “I would like to talk to you about how difficult my day was, are you in a position to listen?” This increases the awareness of the recipient, and they can state clear boundaries, depending on their emotional capacity.

Signs of Emotional Dumping

You feel spent, used, unappreciated, or stressed after a conversation with a friend or loved one.

A friend or loved one call or texts you repeatedly and at all hours with their problems with no regard for your time.

You feel more like a therapist than a friend or member of the family.

Your conversations feel toxic and weigh heavily on your mind.

Setting Boundaries around Emotional Dumping

Creating boundaries to protect your well-being is a form of self-love and respect. Being open and honest by communicating what you need is always the best solution. However, it may take ignoring phone calls or answering texts later on (or not at all) to get your point across (silence is also a boundary). If you have made it clear that you will no longer be an emotional dumping ground and nothing changes, then it may be time to step away from the relationship altogether. Sometimes the most supportive thing you can do for another is to encourage them to seek help in other ways (like with a therapist) before honoring your boundary.

Ways to communicate boundaries can look like this:

“I understand you are hurt right now, and I want to be there for you. I am just not in the space to listen right now.”

“I would appreciate it if you ask me where I am at before diving into what is going on for you.”

“I am going through a lot myself right now; I am not able to listen right now.”

“Now is not a good time for me.”

“I notice this situation keeps happening. Have you thought about reaching out for guidance from a therapist or counselor who can help you work through this?”

Healthy venting on the other hand starts with a disclaimer from friends. “I would like to vent on (a certain situation), I need you to hear me out”. Here, the responsibility of the listener is to uphold a safe space for their friend to share their vulnerabilities, with or without offering a solution, or advice. Venting is a healthy way to deal with the stress life presents. Before you begin, it is important to check on your friend or loved one’s emotional state. Let your listener know whether you need helpful feedback, advice, or need them to lend an ear. They may not always be in the right state to take on your problems, and that is okay. Do not take this personally. Here are a few ways you can check in on the emotional state of your friend or loved one before venting:

“I would love to share what is going on for me. Are you in a space to listen?”

“I am struggling with <insert problem>. Is it ok if I vent about something that just happened?”

“Work has become so stressful. It is affecting me. Can I talk to you about it?”

“I notice that I am feeling triggered. Do you have space to offer some support?”

“I am having a really hard time right now and could use someone to talk to, but I wanted to check in with you first. How are you feeling?”

As we engage in our friendships, we aim to communicate clearly what our conversations intend to achieve. Make it your responsibility to say, “I need your support figuring this out” or “I need you to just listen”. For the receiver of this news, be careful not to jump in with advice and solutions. I have learned that people mostly just want to be listened to and feel heard.

With this, I have further learned that, outside of giving reflective feedback (that connotes an understanding of the sharers feelings, experiences and so on), it is important to find out what the person needs from me.

What I then do is ask, “What do you need?”, or “How can I support you?”

I believe that there are many ways to respond adequately, but these are some of mine. What are some of yours?

I wish you powerful friendships in this new year.

Try some of these tricks and let me know how it goes.

this is your #Wellnesswatch

with Nyaguthii Kariuki

Consultant Clinical Psychologist.